To begin, I like porn. I watch porn. As your dedicated Humptress, it is my duty to divulge this to you. You may now sigh in relief. You are now either more holy than I and abstain or one of my brethren. What a cozy atmosphere we’ve established for ourselves. Porn is very interesting because it varies so greatly between individuals. And it is highly taboo in its nature, of course. More than once I have casually brought it up to my friends and more often than not, they get this peculiar halting look, like, “Oh, wait, you just hit the sharing wall.” NAY. I say we’re going to Kool-Aid Man that wall up in dis bitch! I’m going to rant to you on why porn rocks and why you should chill out and swallow all of these deep-seeded worries you have buried inside of you (hehe).

I think porn is the most personal thing people have in relation to their sexual life. Perhaps this is due to the fact that they are not really getting any, but are instead indulging their base desires in secret. Heaven forbid people see what you do in secret. It’s so often associated with deviant behavior. Let’s amend that. It’s just another form of kink, especially if you and an adventurous partner want to have your own personal viewing session.
Many girls seem uncomfortable with porn, which is silly. Maybe this is due to a lack of female advertising on porn websites, among other things. We know that most every guy out there has a substantial porn folder on their computer, hidden under something like, “Dull Trip to Kansas, Totally Not Worth Opening.” I think girls are more worried about what other girls will think, which is also dumb. I personally would rather engage in some scintillating media than have the pristine approval of women everywhere.
It’s important to realize that the porn does not easily translate to the real world. Don’t treat your partner like she’s a pornstar. She will not thank you when you decide you want to copy the bukakke video you were watching last night just because the pornstar seemed enthused. It’s a lie. However, ladies, if you indulge in porn from time to time, it can be a valuable asset in your sex life. If you do decide to emulate things you see in porn, it often goes very well. His eyes will bug out, glazed and delighted, as he flashes back to the vigorous fapping he indulged in the night prior. “Hot damn, she knows what she’s doing,” he will think, in much fewer words (signified by “guh-huuuuuhh”).
If you are comfortable and you have a regular partner, I think it would be healthy to tell them about your preferences, especially if you think it will open doors to things you want to try together. This does not apply to everyone. The type of porn some people watch is not reflective of what they would actually like to do. There is no freaking way I want to try many of the things I have encountered in my porn viewing. So don’t judge yourself or others based on the weird shit they watch. The more you watch and dabble, the more you find out what you like. Naturally, there are some types of porn that deserve thorough judging, which I feel I don’t need to describe.
It’s fun.
I like to think of porn as literature for sex. If you want to learn how to do the Macarena, you look up a YouTube video. If you want to learn how to twerk while on top, you watch porn. It’s academic, goddammit.
Sometimes you hit a dry spell. Instead of becoming a born-again virgin due to a lack of suitors, hit up those naughty pop-ups.
As I’ve said before, I don’t think you should be afraid of sex or your sexuality. So just try it out. I’m not saying abandon real-life sex for your Internet mistress, Betsy Onnerback, but simply familiarize yourself with the different types of sex and sexual interests that are out there. Ultimately, go get ideas, get comfortable, but don’t get a lifestyle.

As you know, my little chickadees, I like to assign you all homework. One night this week, I encourage you to schedule some “me time.” I recommend any of the following websites: pornhub.com, tube8.com, or fucd.com (for the entire compilation of every type of individual interest). Now go, you little horny toads! Play a little pocket pool to NC-17 material. Happy Humping!
Hayley E. has found that the best internet connection is usually on the sixth floor of Davidson.

A version of this article appeared on page 12 of the Wednesday, April 3, 2013 print edition of the Nexus.