Gather round, gather round, one and all. Today our topic is one of much excitement: kinky sex. But before we get there we must take a peek into my past, so you can understand how I have suffered for this cause. Now, please understand when going into this story that the spirit of it all was admirable. The carrying out was less so. This article will offer suggestions that, had my partner been aware of such things, may have lessened my plight. That’s right; it’s time for another awkward sexual anecdote.
It was summer 2012. My small tank of a friend had persuaded me to drink copious amounts of alcohol before taking me to a frat party. Shortly after arriving, I found a companion for the evening and we made it over to his place. Both fairly tipsy, he was a tad rough, not in the delightful way I will be encouraging, but in the, “Ow, ow, softer dumbass,” way. This is where things went terribly wrong. Like a good partner, he was terribly eager to go south, and that’s when I opened my big dumb mouth. “Bite my thigh,” I foolishly uttered. Grinning saucily up at me, he did as he was told. However, when I said bite, I meant really more of a nip, something soft and inspiring. What I got was a bruise that lasted three weeks. It looked like someone had shot a baseball at my thigh at a whopping 60 mph. For days I could not fathom how it got there, I was too consumed with agitation at the eight hickies he had dispatched across my neck. The moment of realization was characterized by sheer horror: Yes, those were teeth indents. The moral of this story is thus: A) a number of my sexual situations are uncomfortable and weird and B) bite others as you would like to be bitten. Now, to be sure, I am happy he bit me. I wish he hadn’t bit me like he was making an appearance in Shark Week, but I appreciate his willingness to adventure. And that is what characterizes much of the kink.
As unabashed as I am in ranting about my junk and sexual prowess to you nice people, I too occasionally remain mum on my desire for hair pulling, ass smacking and mouth covering. When I was hooking up with a BDSM dom (bondage, dominance, sadism, masochism) back in fall quarter, I felt I was finally getting an outlet for all the wild things I really wanted to do. It was the most fun I’ve ever had in bed, hands down, because it was so fresh and bad and shameful that it made sex new and shiny all over again. When did sex become so routine? Shouldn’t you blush just a tad when you think of the things you did? At this point it’s become, “Oh yeah, we hooked up, had sex, whatevs.” For shame! I want to see girls whispering behind their hands into their friends’ ears about the wild and crazy things they’ve done in the dark.
Now, a lot of people are freaked out by the idea of kinky sex. You can imagine why. Their mind goes to the freaky German dungeon porn they came across when they clicked the wrong pop-up on the internet. But rest assured, there are ways to be kinky in your interactions without freaky torture machines.
For those uncomfortable with kinky sex, that is just fine. This article may not apply to you. However, there is the chance that you might be with someone who digs some kink one night and you should have some awareness as to handle the situation. A big disappointment occurs when an individual actually asks to get kinkier, after summoning the courage, but their partner, unsure, half asses it. Fake it, guys, fake it. If your partner senses your inhibition or your lack of commitment, they become disappointed and may be discouraged to ask in the future. Additionally, don’t make them ask more than once. If they ask at all and you’re down at all, expect to include it in your sexual routine.
Another important note for the unsure is this: Try everything once. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. Now you know. As a rule, try to keep open minded about everything until you can say for yourself that it does not appeal to you. Now that we have these things in mind, we can move on.
First, let us visit the very important distinction of biting verses nipping. Nipping is applied to sensitive areas like nipples, earlobes, THIGHS. Biting is sometimes for necks, shoulders and less sensitive areas. Be aware of sensitivity prior your chomp fest. Perhaps the most important thing you can take away from my advice on bighting is to do unto others as you would have them do for you. Bite experimentally; start off light always. If they want it harder, they’ll ask and you can build up. Or if they are fairly quiet, maybe your partner is a bit less sensitive and you can take that as a cue.
Aside from biting, there is the classic ass smack. Now, if you’re really going to smack someone’s ass, it is important to rub it out afterwards. You smack, and then rub your palm in circles in the afflicted area. This significantly lessens the pain and gives it more of a pleasurable edge. Plus, you get a good grope in.
Scratching is also wonderful. My last partner looks like he was mauled by a pack of disgruntled cats. It’s the same with biting, start a little lightly to see if they like it. If they like the biting, you can be sure they like the scratching. Try not to rip off a layer of skin, if you can help it.
Hair pulling should be done as close to the roots as possible, with a handful of hair, not a small section. This reduces the pain and instead causes a refreshing sensation. I have had my hair pulled improperly. Imagine if you will, yours truly seated upon a frat kitchen counter, with my head basically touching my back. Humans are not supposed to bend that way, or they would have named us Gumbies. The arc is nice, but please, do not break your partner’s neck.
When it comes to choking, I, personally, am not a fan. I was making out with this guy and he started doing it and I stopped him. Confused, his response was thus, “Did you have an abusive boyfriend?” …to which I replied, “No, I just like breathing.” Simple as that. However, some girls are super hot for this. After discussing it with my associates, the key is not to suffocate her (dur), but instead to apply light pressure. Place your hand on her neck, and press slightly with the flat of your palm. Then minimally increase the pressure, if encouraged by your bedmate.
Now, while I may personally dislike choking, mouth covering is another thing altogether. Some of us are louder than others. Roommates are often less than thrilled with our sexual presence. My favorite remedy to this conflict of interest is for a guy to muffle my cries with his palm. Gents, do this while whispering quietly in her ear, “shhh.” Continuing this tangent of covering, a good friend of mine goes crazy when you cover her eyes. It’s a simpler form of blindfolding and it really just gives that feeling of susceptibility.
In terms of being tied up, oh yum. Now, it probably isn’t a good first hook up move to break out the silken ties or handcuffs. But, you can absolutely pin them down. This is unbelievably hot. Do that. It’s fun to squirm in your hold and it establishes your dominance which is something a lot of people fail to do. Sex is best in my opinion with a bit of a power struggle.
Finally, and most kinkily, in my humble opinion is getting in your partner’s head. Saying things. Having them say things. Commanding them to do things. For those of you who have deigned to read my vibrator article, you may remember the anecdote of my partner informing me that I must petition him on whether or not I could come. This is a prime example. The best way to get someone in a submissive head state, I’ve come to believe, is to have them repeat a phrase over and over. Approximately three to five times. If done properly, it puts you in a trance like state. I shit you not. For instance, “What am I doing to you?” Fill in the blank, “What can I do to you?” To which you say breathily, “Whatever you want.” Repeat this sequence three or so times, preferably while pleasuring them so they are foggy headed and unquestioning of your bizarre inclination to repeat yourself.
I will leave out other things for fear that they cannot be published. All in all, it is important to push your boundaries and try new things. You’ll never know unless you try. Undoubtedly, a lack of kink is the most lamented aspect of many individuals’ sex lives. That and an inkling as to where the clitoris is. So my darlings, break the bondage of standard sex and get a little spicy! Adios muchachos; hump most happily!
Hayley E. knows how to keep a hose flowing, even when it’s kinked.
Love this! I hooked up with someone and he did all of these things, in this order. Then I later found this article under my bed when I was cleaning… Then he tells me he reads the Daily Nexus religiously.
Go figure. My sex life thanks you.
To the previous commenters:
I respectably regard your comments as beside the point, which is within my right to both believe and state. And more frankly they were a waste of your time. I strong disagree with the statement, that these are articles are depicting “women [as] reducing themselves to sexual tools.” If you read between the lines and take the article in its entirety, you may find that it encourages women to act upon what they may already desire to do. By writing articles circulating around these unspoken or hushed topics, she is giving a voice of encouragement to those sheltered from such feelings of freedom. Her articles are combatting the conservative notion that sex and sexuality should stay shut behind close doors. To clarify, these conservative notions discourage open discussion and education of sexuality. Which is abhorrent in our “modern” and “progressive” 21st century world. A world we all live and take part in.
Likewise, your “points” regarding her character and future are inconsequential. This is a creative writing section and she does so with the power of being of being a good journalist. Would you uphold your “points” if you were unaware of the gender of the author of this article? It is an appropriate magazine to discuss these topics. Furthermore, she is able to do it in a entertaining manner, while still bestowing a valuable message to its audience. Even if the message is lost to a few readers.
One cannot censor women because it may be considered, by some, not ladylike to write about sexuality. It’s to my understanding that, historically, we’ve come to surpass this notion. Even suggesting any form of censorship is ridiculous.
Her personal anecdotes are what makes the article relatable to her audience, which further proves her abilities in journalism. She knows her audience: college kids. Generally speaking, we like a good story and that’s how she gets her underlying message across. To phrase it musically, “a spoonful of sugar, makes the medicine go down.” This article is meant for the reader to approach it with lightheartedness, and leave with some form a realization. Again, sometimes this message is lost to a few.
Commenting on her personal “what if?” situations, in my opinion is a low blow and have no ground to stand on. What her kids do is her business. Which employer decides to hire her and which doesn’t, I highly doubt is a sincere concern of yours. And if it is, so what? She’ll get hired by someone who respects her work for its use of creative license and formal writing prowess.
It is my sincerest belief that your truest discontent with the article is in its content. That is to say point blank, you don’t want to hear or read about sex. So don’t. Simple as that.
She even covers her tracks, by addressing the possibility that this article may not be for everyone; and if that’s the case, that statement is your cue to hit the backspace button on your computer.
The fact that you’re continuing to read her work is a testament to her quality of writing or else you’d stop after each title. Regardless, you should be “respectful” enough to follow the rule: “if you can’t think of anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Leaving comments of your nature is futile because she has the right to write; and write about whatever she and her editor agree on.
Now to cover my tracks. Firstly, I doubt Hayley needs someone to argue for her, however I am more than willing and am writing with lighthearted motivations. I do strongly believe in everything I wrote, but whether or not you agree, simply is no skin off my nose. Secondly, I write this reply without malicious intent. I like to write and I like to debate; especially when it’s something I consider personally significant. I acknowledge that my response to your comments is written with the smallest measure of attitude and rhetorical sarcasm. But this is being utilized to get my point across. I don’t want to be construed as inconsiderate or antagonizing. It’s just good writing. So don’t put it where you don’t want it. I also acknowledge that you have the right to reply in any nature you wish; however, unless you’re doing it for yourself it seems, to me, to be pointless. Yes written words are powerful, especially published works. But some works are written with the hopes that the reader will take away positive and uplifting things. For the last time, that message or thought is sometimes lost to a few readers.
Best of luck in your future readings.
I want to say I loved your article. Which is why I was really surprised to see negative feed back for your article. I personally thought it was well written, both academically and creatively speaking. As a woman, I do not feel your article belittles our gender, but rather acknowledges a fact: there is variety in terms of sexual interests, regardless of gender. Although I am no longer in a time of need for this particular article’s articles guidance, I know if younger me was reading it; it would definitely shed light on significant matters in regards to not only college life, but life beyond it. As do many of your articles. And that is why I eagerly anticipate reading your work with every issue.
p.s. I wrote a lengthy reply to your previous commenters. I’m doubtful it’ll change their views, but if you do get around to reading it hopefully I’ll at least score a few laughs.
Thanks!
Hayley, I’m appealing directly to you here,
First off, I am sorry to be writing this. I do not want to come across as ‘just another hater.’ This commentary comes from a deeper part of me – the part of me that wants to respect my fellow women and fellow men. In light of this, I am going to attempt to explain why you should stop publishing material of the quality your current works have shown.
But, first, a personal point of fact. As the previous comment implied, people in the future will be capable of viewing what you put here. Whether or not you have future children, you will have a future employer, and if you are writing these articles in such a cavalier tone as an empowerment to women, then I assume you hope to have an actual career. Most career bosses would not be pleased to see a potential employee was, frankly speaking, this offensive with respect to our cultural values of privacy (without justifying such disregard – this is an important point I go into later).
These articles cross the line from ‘women being powerful and sexual beings’ to ‘women reducing themselves to sexual tools.’ Your article lack the crucial elements to bring this topic from the realm of beastial revelry to intelligent discourse befitting of a publication boasting to be the primary media of a university.
But higher arguments of personal philosophy aside, you must be aware you are damaging how the public views you. Regardless of whether you are genuinely writing from an empowered position, the general consensus I’ve observed is that you are incredibly trashy and lack any sort of true artistic or analytic talent. It’s unfortunate, because I really don’t think you deserve to be viewed as such. Your rhetoric is failing to make you seem like a credible or respectable source on sexual information – your ethos is rapidly degrading.
I am aware the Wednesday Hump is meant to be an entertainment column, but as a society our entertainment should strive to be, if not high intellectual, at very least respectable. Do not lower yourself to appealing to the baser amusement of the school’s population. You are in a position of power – one that could provide intelligent, insightful material that could enlighten those with a flawed view of women’s sexuality. But in order to do this you cannot simply report your sexual actions – you must provide an analytical or reflective component that intrinsically states, “I am a woman, I do these things, I am aware these things go against what the culture would ‘approve of,’ and this is why the culture should change, not me.” As of now, your articles contain only the former three components – they lack arguably the most important part.
So I appeal to you, improve the quality of the discourse you are having with this school. Have some pride.
you should really stop publishing this garbage. you will be somebody’s mother someday. this column should be retitled “a young skank’s incessant rant about sexual frustration and how sex is nothing more than a fleshly endeavor”…to be real…there is no deep insight here….the tone is very pedestrian and unimaginative….this sounds like it was written by an overly promiscuous high skool girl with no shame. May God have mercy on your soul.