Good day, my raunchy readers! Today we will be pondering the complexities of girl-on-top. This entails subtopics such as where a male’s hands should be, the paramount importance of hip-guiding and the foolish insecurities of women. Let’s ride this topic out.

Gentlemen, when it comes to girl-on-top, hand placement is a major factor in how well you will be graded. Your options are as follows: breasts, clit, hands or hips. Due to your prime real estate, you must take advantage of your free hands. Not using your hands is the equivalent of the “dead fish” female partner. Further elaborating upon the point of hips, hip-guiding falls into the realm of communication, and that’s important.

When guiding the hips of a madam, you can control the speed, tempo and depth. Oftentimes girls assume that faster is better, but guys like going slow, too, so that they can better focus on the sensations building up. By guiding her, you can help her figure out just what you want. Many times girls might feel awkward because them controlling the motions are atypical, so more feedback makes them more comfortable with exploring this elevate realm. Plus, it’s freakin’ sexy.

Hombres, if there is anything you take from this article, let it be this: never, ever, ever put your hands behind your head. I’ve stopped and traded in my friction for some slanderous diction. Others will abandon your love boat completely, preferring the treacherous seas of abstinence. It may be comfortable, but it makes you look like a D-bag.

Another much appreciated effort: when you grab a girl’s wrists in both hands and put them over your head. G’damn. And ladies, feel free to pin him as well when on top. Everyone loves a little power struggle. Your dominion over his titillating territory/provocative province (oh, how I love alliteration) can be emphasized by eye contact. Eye contact is particularly sexy when you initiate it atop your fleshy throne. Just as chimpanzees will challenge one another via the medium of a sullen stare, you too assert your sovereignty.

Personally, I feel like eye contact is a good move in sexual relations. It always surprises me when people say that they dislike eye contact due to the intensity of the intimacy it generates. Allow me to remind you that sex is an intimate act and despite however emotionally casual your relationship with a partner may be, you shouldn’t shy away from the increased sexual tension. Eye contact is a universal acknowledgement of the other person’s existence. So acknowledge the eff out of their sexual existence. Ladies, when in reverse cowgirl, toss him a smokey gaze over your shoulder all sexy-like. Maybe gape like a fish, I think guys are actually into that sort of thing.

Speaking of reverse cowgirl, let’s talk about the scenic views of your grassy pastures. When in reverse, lean further towards his feet. It provides a deliciously vulgar view of him entering you that he will pause to appreciate. This is the best time to go nice and slow. If you lean even farther forward, he can sit up while propped against something. This variation provides good leverage, a delicious angle of your badonk sitting pretty on his lap.

An additional variation that I’m very excited about (and you should all do this like it’s homework) is as follows: in reverse cowgirl, pull up one of his knees. Put your knees on either side and hold onto his knee to maneuver yourself up and down better. It’s especially yummy because you have friction on your privies from his thigh.

Speaking of thighs, a problem a lot of women have is being insecure on top for superficial reasons, like the dimples on your thighs. Playa’ please, he’s not looking at the dimples. He’s focusing on your pretty face and ogling your bouncing bazoongas. That’s real talk.

Finally, my darlings, end your copulation with what I like to call, “The Perfect Dismount.” This involves the man, once near, to toss his saucy lady off her seat, pouncing her hungrily and riding it out to the finish with fevered passion. Primal hunger should characterize the act. Wait, what am I saying? Primal hunger should characterize all parts of sex.

Go, enjoy, frolic in each others bodies. Happy humping!

Hayley E. knows a lady on top is what’s hot … and there ain’t no glass ceiling in her bedroom.

Print