If four years at UCSB has taught me anything, it’s that it’s incredibly awesome here and consistently exceeds your expectations, unlike the Miami Heat. Even superstar athletes who are too cool for school will someday look back and realize the prime time of their life would have been better spent in Santa Barbara. LeBron James, for example, stayed at home in Ohio out of high school. But he is no Derrick Rose and his SAT scores would have been good enough to get accepted by the top schools in the country had he taken them. Here are the top 10 reasons why he should have taken his talents out west to be a Gaucho:
10. He loves to travel.
9. The Gaucho Locos would shout “LBJ for President.”
8. The super tall urinal in I.V. Theater is at just the right height for him (and no one else).
7. He hasn’t pledged CalPIRG yet.
6. Dinosaurs is a class here, and the real MVP Chris Bosh looks like a velociraptor.
5. His favorite sport is women’s club soccer, and we are the five-time defending National Champions in that category.
4. He would have won not one, not two, not three, but four championships here.
3. Our beach is better (than South Beach).
2. He’s always wanted to attend the Kobe Basketball Academy.
1. We only have to attend fall, winter and spring here, so he doesn’t need to show up for the fourth quarter. Alas, LeBron decided to forego guaranteed championships in college for an early pursuit of NBA championships that have yet to come to fruition. But you didn’t. You are here because you made the right choice. Go Gauchos!
*LeBron is averaging 29 points, 8.7 rebounds and 5.9 assists per game in the playoffs. Anytime the Heat lose, it’s because the rest of the team isn’t close to being that good. And their fans don’t have tortillas.