Sports

The Best Stoner Athletes of Our Time

Here it is, ladies and gents. The time to freshen the water in those bongs, heat up those vapes and spark up those joints and blunts. Yup, it’s 4/20, and that means one thing: weed.

Marijuana permeates our everyday lives: ubiquitous in pop culture, sports, as well as pretty much every residence in I.V. I mean, we live in California. This shit is pretty much legal. And when you are rich, famous, and play professional sports for a living … well, why not? Everyone needs to let off some steam sometimes, right?

I’m here to serve up a list of your favorite stoners in sports. And without further ado …

 

5.) Jerome Simpson

The Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver who is best known for his recent amazing flip-into-the-endzone touchdown smokes much more than opposing defensive backs. A lot, lot, lot more. Earlier this year, Simpson was indicted on felony drug trafficking charges after federal authorities raided his home, finding more than eight pounds of weed, scales and various smoking devices. Although I wouldn’t put anything past Jerome, it is thought that the marijuana was meant for distributing and not all for personal use. Simpson’s trial is still ongoing, as his side job is currently in flux. We only hope that he finds a way to deliver us more spectacular touchdowns without his secret ingredient in the upcoming season.

4.) Tim Lincecum

As if the laid-back demeanor and long hair didn’t give it away, Lincecum was caught with marijuana in his car and received a misdemeanor citation in November of 2009. A policeman found a pipe and 3.3 grams. Sounds like The Freak had just broken into a fresh eighth of bud like it was a new glove. And for that, two-time National League Cy Young Award winner, we commend you. And reward you with a spot on this illustrious list.

 

3.) Bill Walton

“Hey Luke! My knees have been shot ever since my second year in Portland — don’t make your father get his ass off the couch, pass me the joint over there.” Ahhh, what more is there to say? The self-acclaimed Deadhead is certainly a weed-smoking hippy worthy of a spot on this list based on looks alone. At UCLA, legendary Head Coach John Wooden supposedly had to tell Walton multiple times to leave the long tube socks, raggedy beard, and long hair in the dorm room. Walton is our OG stoner on the list. And who doesn’t like some dank OG?

 

2.) Michael Phelps

Who says that smoking weed destroys your lungs? Well, doctors I guess … but still! If the world’s best swimmer of all-time can casually rip a bong and win eight gold medals, there is hope for all of us stoners out there that our lungs are not completely fucked after all. The infamous photo, taken in January 2009, months after Phelps won a record eight gold medals at the Beijing Summer Olympics in 2008, is an inspiration to all of us. But seriously — what is the over/under on the number of seconds Phelps ripped that bong? I’m going with 45 seconds, and I’m taking the over. I mean, how else does he get the appetite to eat 13 Subway footlongs a day?

 

1.) Ricky Williams

Did you really expect anyone else to occupy our top spot? Ricky’s love for the grass led him to retire from the NFL during his prime in 2004 after having already failed three drug tests and receiving a one year ban for his violations. While away from the sport, Ricky openly used marijuana as a self-administered psychotherapy treatment, as was chronicled in the ESPN 30 for 30 film “Run Ricky Run.” Ricky made his return to the Canadian Football League in 2006 and came back to the NFL in 2007, only to test positive for the ganja once again and eventually miss the entire season because of a shoulder injury. Despite his many transgressions, Williams announced his retirement in February after playing all 16 games the last four years of his career, the latest with the Baltimore Ravens. Now retired, Ricky can — and you better believe he will — smoke all the weed on Earth. Enjoy, Ricky, you deserve it like you deserve the top spot on our list.

 

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