Another year has gone by, and once again Floatopia was successfully banned. That’s three years now, which in my opinion is pretty damn depressing. As a third-year student, I got here just in time for it to be banned, which is how I would imagine it would feel like being Charlie in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” if instead Willy Wonka had just been like, “Fuck you, Charlie. I changed my mind. No one’s coming in,” and then surrounded the factory with cops.
In addition, and adding insult to injury, I went to Cal Poly’s Cesar Chavez day over the break, and it was awesome. I don’t like to admit that Cal Poly does anything better than us, but, I mean … they might kind of be doing a half decent job with their beach party. So, to help us get back on track, I’ve brainstormed some other ideas for annual spring events that maybe we could have instead … Or threaten to have.
New Floatopia Ideas:
In this version, we get ancient Greek as fuck. Everyone puts on togas, we drink a bunch of wine, and then as an entire student body, we go kill all of the goats that are out by Sands and eat them. Preferably with large fires that we cook them over. It’ll be fun. If you’re vegan and against this, then it’s not like any of us wanted to hang out with you anyway. And the goats are totally cool with it; I asked them and they didn’t say no. By being vegan, you’re ignoring the goats’ freedom of choice and ability to consent to being eaten.
This one’s pretty simple: Lots of cocaine. LOTS OF IT.
Some might argue this is the ‘topia we already host every year. Due to a definite increase in the number of tattooed douchebags wandering the street asking, “Where’s the party at?” I’d say there might be some truth in that assumption.
However, I’d argue this: We can do it better.
Instead of passively allowing bros to come, this time we actively recruit them. Everyone invites as many out-of-town bros as possible. NO GIRLS. Absolutely no out-of-town girls allowed (this will make sense in a second). Once your bros are adequately hammered, preferably off tequila, bring them to DP, where the DJs will be playing a specific playlist of only Skrillex songs. This should lead to the perfect storm — thousands of confused, drunk bros getting increasingly confused and angry, because — “Why are my eight bros and I not getting laid by beautiful blonde bikini models like we imagined?” They’ll begin to try to think of a reason, but then quickly remember that thinking is difficult and it’s easier to just get really angry. But I FUCKING LOVE Skrillex, they’ll think to themselves. This song is FUCKING SICK. I’M SO PUMPED up. Hey. HEY! HEY DID YOU JUST HIT MY FUCKING SHOULDER, BRO?! BRO, THAT GUY JUST HIT MY FUCKING SHOULDER. And BAM! The show is on!
Sexual frustration + drunkenness + thousands of bros = biggest bro fight ever. With no women to hold their attention, none of the surrounding bros will be able to keep themselves from joining in after whichever short-tempered bro throws the first punch. And this should be pretty awesome to watch, as long as it’s safely from an upstairs deck. I imagine we’ll be able to actually taste the testosterone in the air. As a prize, I say last man standing at the end of it gets crowned King Bro and is given the sorority girl of his choice — who, lets face it, is totally down for him anyway.
Ok, once again, this miiiight be the one we already throw every year. But personally I think our women are classier than that. To be totally honest, I don’t exactly have any real ideas for it because I imagine it would look something like a “Girls Gone Wild” video. And if I knew how to create THAT, I wouldn’t be wasting my time writing this right now.
Maybe if an unnamed individual wouldn’t make a public Facebook event every year, this is the event that authorities would THINK we were putting on, and then we could go ahead and have an awesome beach day in the ocean instead. But apparently that’s impossible, so I guess we can just completely forget it. FORGET USING LOGIC.
We specify a weekend night to turn off all the lights in I.V., and everyone wears glow stuff.
I was writing this as a joke, but this one actually sounds kind of awesome. We should probably actually do this.
In closing, that sums up my ideas for alternate spring festivities. Basically I can’t think of anything else good that rhymes with “flo.” However, if you can think of any I missed, please write to the Nexus and make sure they know.
However, to conclude the entire thing, I would like to provide one more last idea. This year “Deltopia” somehow ended up on Easter weekend. This was a horrible combination, needless to say. However, if it does by chance fall on Easter weekend again next year, I think that maybe we should take advantage of the unique situation. We should seize the opportunity to celebrate both Easter and Floatopia at once — by getting drunk and crucifying whoever makes a public Floatopia Facebook event.
George Publius is a third-year student.