On the night of Feb. 26, 2012, in Sanford, Florida, George Zimmerman shot and killed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. Miraculously, Zimmerman has not been arrested or charged with any crimes. Our readers wish they could be so lucky. Today we are taking the time to answer emails from readers who have been arrested for offenses that are far less serious than murder.
Recently, I was arrested for Driving under the Influence; I know that drinking and driving is bad but I was that special type of drunk where you’re a better driver because you’re so focused. You know what I’m talking about, right? — Joe, I.V.
Yes, I know exactly what you’re talking about. Also, the “good drunk-driver” argument is a legitimate legal defense. It may not gain much traction with the police, but hope to God you get Judge O’Malley.
I was arrested for “Drunk in Public.” What does that even mean? Help me. — Dorothy, Santa Barbara
Sorry to hear about it, Dorothy. I don’t get the whole “drunk in public” thing. Nobody wants to get drunk in private. That’s just sad.
I was arrested for domestic violence. I farted in my brother’s face and he called the cops. — James, Goleta
If farting in your brother’s face is a crime, I should be serving 30 years in prison and my brother should be serving life. One time, my brother was farting in my face and I bit his butt cheek so hard that I broke the skin and he got an infection. Another time, I zipped my brother up in a suitcase, cut a small hole in the suitcase, and farted in it through a plastic kazoo. He got back at me by putting my toothbrush up his ass and not telling me for two weeks. But enough about me, I just want to say that calling the cops is lame. A fart to the face should be dealt with like a bad Christmas present: It’s the thought that counts, so receive it gracefully.
I was arrested three times this week for sleeping in the park, what should I do? — Toothless Maggie, homeless resident of Isla Vista
Thanks for reading, Maggie. First, I would like to say that I am impressed that you have an email account. Second, is it more comfortable to sleep in jail or in the park? If the answer is jail, you might want to think about committing a more serious crime so you can stay in jail on a more permanent basis. Just don’t murder an unarmed teenager, because apparently that isn’t a sure-fire way to go to jail anymore.
Note: Isla Vista alone averages 24 arrests per weekend; George Zimmerman HAS NOT BEEN ARRESTED.
Daily Nexus satire columnist Matt Renner still gags every time he brushes his teeth.