Valentine’s Day is over, and thank God for that. I’m not even talking about the relationship bullshit (well, not yet anyway). Now that the girls of I.V. are finally off the gluten/dairy/sugar-free crash diet, we can all stop being raging bitches. Looking like you don’t give a fuck that you’re not getting fucked is difficult. And it often ends in a 3,462 calorie Reese’s Pieces binge from Sweet Alley. Whew.
Whether you’re in a relationship, single or in a “we’re just hooking up” scenario, Valentine’s Day is full of stereotypes. And it tends to more openly affect women. It just does. Let’s start with the singles.
Contrary to popular belief, all mah single ladies are not hoppin’ around with one hand on their hip and the other doing a Miss America wave in the air too quickly. (Look at what you did, Beyonce.) Oh no.
The singles are out there doing their best to fight every cliché known to mankind. They are not out at Sweet Alley gorging themselves on bin candy (Lies, I already blew our cover there; sorry). But no, mostly they are walking around promoting the fact that Valentine’s Day is “a stupid Hallmark holiday,” and let’s face it, singles are way too hipster for that shit. It’s a very Ryan Gosling-esque way of thinking (wait, he has a girlfriend?! SHIT!).
But during that pivotal moment when people start thinking, “Whatever, let’s just throw a fuckin’ party; it IS a holiday after all,” the singles inevitably end up scrolling through their phonebooks. Even if guys don’t care about Valentine’s Day, no one really wants to be alone for it.
I mean, yes, singles are alone, and it’s no different than any other day, really. Well, minus the goddamn flower/balloon/chocolate mash-up on the kitchen table your roommate waltzed in with that looks like an episode of “The Bachelor” threw up its rose ceremony everywhere. (By the way, Courtney sucks.) But do we have to be reminded, especially when the people in a relationship get to the point (usually after a sugar high or wine binge) where they try to empathize with their single friends? Totally unprovoked, they’ll throw out, “Yeah, it’s a stupid holiday, because when you’re in love shouldn’t every day be Valentine’s Day?” That’s cute when you’re in a relationship, but when you’re not, all of the bitter singles will politely ask you to please go suck a fuck.
Really, though, couples don’t go particularly ape-shit over this holiday either. With Valentine’s Day, no matter what you do, it’s hard to win. You do nothing: fail. You do something, but it’s not over-the-top enough: fail. Or you do something that’s over the top and it’s “too much.” Fail. It’s too much pressure. It’s like an unexpected extra birthday party you don’t particularly feel like dropping your entire fucking day and planning for. And in the middle of the week? In the middle of the QUARTER?! Get real. I have a 246-page reader to finish before my midterm tomorrow. Love you tons, smoochietoons, but I’m knee deep in Robinson Crusoe, xoxo! “Gossip Girl.” Sorry, had to.
My real fave, though, is the vanishing act. This typically happens with a fuck buddy that’s been around for a significant amount of time. This is when one person in the relationship just completely avoids the day altogether. If you got the text today that read: “Hey! What’s up, sorry I was super busy yesterday. How was your day?” please let him or her know that they are not fooling anyone. Sly move, but if you even did SOMETHING you would’ve gotten an after-school lay. Is there anything better than that? Well yeah, sure, probably, but a between classes, between the sheets session is pretty tough to beat.
Ooh, here’s a fun little side note. As much as girls deny that it’s prostitution when we’re screwing you because you spent 12 bucks on a teddy bear, we’re fully aware of the situation, and if you’re lucky, we will thank you as we see fit. Not necessarily the bigger the bear, the bigger the bone. But, the thought does count.
Personally? I dig Valentine’s Day, because I can drink a cosmo without having to feel like I’m being too high-maintenance. I even bought myself three pairs of shoes and actually got away with it this week. I didn’t go as far as sending myself flowers (God no! I’m not that pathetic), but the edible fruit arrangement really did provide just the right touch.
See, Valentine’s Day doesn’t suck that bad. I’d probably stop complaining about it altogether if we got school off for a full day slay-athon. Sigh. Wishful thinking. Welp, there’s always Presidents’ Day to look forward to! ;)
Daily Nexus sex columnist Elizabeth Brooks is lying: she never needs an excuse to drink a cosmo.