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Opinion >> Satire
As the New York Giants prepare to face off with the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl for the second time in five years, Eli Manning’s leadership is being questioned by his own teammates due to his constant shit-eating grin and unbelievably annoying facial expression.
Victor Cruz, breakout wide receiver, doesn’t doubt Manning’s abilities as a quarterback, only his ability as a leader.
“Eli’s a great guy, and he’s a wonderful QB. His ability to read defenses at the line of scrimmage is unparalleled,” Cruz said. “I can count on his passes with a tight spiral and right on schedule, but goddammit there is something about his face that just pisses me off. I get distracted in the huddle sometimes because his face is just begging to be slapped.”
“As a defensive player it doesn’t really affect me as much because he doesn’t lead our group,” added defensive end Osi Umenyiora. “But from my perspective, I can see the Patriots’ defense getting an extra boost of confidence with Eli out there looking like he’s about to cry.”
Running back Ahmad Bradshaw said he is often distracted by the fact that Manning looks as if he has soiled himself.
“How can that guy lead us to victory when he looks like he just pooped his pants? … Plus he reminds me of that kid who plays banjo in the movie “Deliverance” … How can I focus on football when I’m wondering whether his mother and his aunt are the same person?”
New England Head Coach Bill Belichick, who rarely speaks candidly to the media, was quoted as saying, “If we can’t beat that Nancy-boy with the whiny face, we don’t deserve to be called a dynasty.”
Experts and analysts constantly dispute how successful Manning could be if his face wasn’t so fucking stupid. Despite the fact that he looks and sounds like an inbred Appalachian mountain creature, Manning actually has great football genetics. His father, Archie Manning, was a legendary quarterback for the New Orleans Saints, and his brother, Peyton, is a four-time MVP for the Indianapolis Colts. Furthermore, Manning was trained from a young age by world-renowned quarterback coach Steve Clarkson. Analyst John Clayton said Manning almost has everything going for him.
“Eli would have almost unlimited potential if it wasn’t for his unfortunate facial situation.”
Next week, Daily Nexus satire columnist Matt Renner will shed light on the controversial PTA Ponzi scheme at I.V. Elementary School.
Image by Mingchen Shen