I was in class last week reading a texting conversation over this guy’s shoulder (stop judging me) where he was trying to hang on to his fuck buddy here in I.V. while simultaneously texting his ex-girlfriend from high school that he loved her. Yeah, I was pretty committed to gathering all of this information, sue me.
Go ahead and try to call me out for slander; you can’t. Half of the male population at UCSB just stopped reading this and looked around guiltily. Yeah, I see you.
With the holidays coming up, it’s most definitely a time for giving — and taking. Let’s face it; we’re about to be home for four long weeks and it’s time to hit up those old booty calls. Thanksgiving break is just a warm-up round. You may be planting the seed, but really, you know what you’re doing: You’re holding unofficial auditions. Sex with an ex is typically frowned upon, but it’s the holiday season, kid. It’s time to get committed to getting laid.
Sex with your ex is always so much better than it was when you were still dating. It’s a fact. You know when you hook up again and all of a sudden it’s like they fucked the swag back into you? It can start off as innocently as trying to make a subpar Thursday night into something better because, “Oh my God my town blooooows,” when, shit; did all the stars just align?
Really, it’s too easy. The “game” is over, because back when everyone was either playing hard to get or actually was hard to get in high school, our boundaries have slowly been tarnished and/or drowned by cheap vodka as the years in college have gone by. It’s always fun to see the “honors to hooters” kind of girls. You know the ones: brilliant and nerdy in high school, and now casually answer to “slut bag Mcfuck stick.”
The freshmen are the most fun to watch return. After only two months of experiencing life without parental controls on the TV remote they suddenly have “do me” written across their foreheads. I commend the freshmen who are still dating their lovers from high school and doing the long distance thing, but c’mon; what’s the over/under bet on them breaking up by Jan. 16? Who’s with me?
Sex with an ex is real-life recycling. Plus, it’s always fun to see what other people are really learning in college. Personally, I think it makes for the best pillow talk. The only way to assure that you are keeping it casual and not falling into the high school sweethearts trap is to swap sexcapade stories. You already know all the boring shit about this person so you might as well make it interesting.
I don’t know what it is — maybe it’s the fact that you already know the person so well — but the best one-liners come from sex-with-an-ex scenarios. My personal favorite? Being told that getting jizzed on is a necessary evil. And the fact that it can all be played off as being totally normal. Four weeks, ending with coming into the New Year with a bang (see what I did there?), leaves room for weird behavior.
Speaking of weird behavior, try to avoid telling your ex that they peaked in high school — even if it’s true. And that stupid tattoo that they got in an attempt to be a badass? Just go with it. The holidays are also all about acceptance. Keep your mouth shut, at the very least until the deed is done … it’s what Jesus would do.
There is a chance that you may regain consciousness and discover that your ex still sucks. Life may not be a personality contest, but high school sure as hell was. And if they’re still stuck in high school, back away slowly. If his pick up line is, “Let me put my ear phone in your iPod,” the night probably isn’t going to be magical. And if they’re still using pick up lines, sweetly advise them to re-evaluate their life.
But, for your own sake, I hope that it all goes well. And I hope that you come back from break with that extra bounce in your step.
Daily Nexus sex columnist Elizabeth Brooks has hos in different area codes.