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Opinion >> Satire
Recent allegations against Jerry Sandusky and the surrounding scandal at Penn State have been a wake-up call for UCSB administrators.
“This school simply cannot afford to endure a sexual abuse scandal right now,” Jason Appelstien, the university’s general counsel, warned.
Officials have already taken strong measures to prevent sexual activity of any kind. Student Health isdispensing free chastity belts for women and chemical castrations for men. Additionally, UCSB has fired all male employees with a mustache and all Ford Econoline vans have also been banned from campus.
Athletes and coaches have been the most vocal opponents of the new rules.
“These rules have eliminated the good old fashioned homoeroticism that is so vital to the success of any sports team,” complained baseball coach Bill Brown. “I can’t even give my players a slap on the butt for encouragement, let alone approach them from behind to adjust their batting stance.”
To avoid any potential promiscuity, floors six through eight of the Davidson Library have been boarded up. Additionally, officials have shut down the showers in all dorms and locker rooms on campus.
“We are trying to create an atmosphere where any type of sexual contact is discouraged,” Student Affairs official Mike Potts said. “We must consider how damaging any type of sex scandal could be for this school, and we must realize that these concerns greatly outweigh any public health or hygiene issues arising from the shower closures.”
The administration released a public statement on Thursday, Nov. 17 to explain and defend the newly implemented university policies.
“At this time we must make it our priority to protect the true victims of sex scandals … the University’s reputation and fundraising ability.”
Daily Nexus Morning Stack columnist Matt Renner has embraced the no showering policy, but refuses to shave his
Note: All “Morning Stack” articles are fictional and purely for the sake of humor. They are not intended to offend or deceive any Daily Nexus readers. We hope you enjoyed today’s stack of satire!