There are a lot of good things about threesomes. You get to find out what your friends are really like in bed, you can actually live out the experience you already lied to your friends about having and, if you steal someone else’s outfit afterward, you might get some real use out of it.
But if you’re a little nervous about the potential repercussions, try your first threesome on for size in a different state. If it happens in a different time zone, does it really even count?
Back to threesomes. We all learned that sharing is caring in kindergarten, but it’s a hell of a lot easier to toss someone a block than it is to figure out how to three-way spoon. Threesomes are great, sure, but there’s a whole sub-category that doesn’t get any praise: tag teaming.
Like threesomes, there are plenty combinations of genders with tag teaming, but instead of all three people hooking up with one another, two people hook up with one person. Draw a diagram if this is getting confusing, just make sure you’re not sketching it in your blue book.
Anyway, the hardest part of tag teaming is negotiating it. No one is going to offer up, “Let’s go bitch, I’ve done action films.” There’s even a chance that it could start out purely innocent, like watching “Good Burger” on a ’90s Nickelodeon throwback. You could even have brewed up some hot chocolate. Maybe you’re all wearing matching fuzzy socks, cooking some pumpkin bread in the oven and then boom: you’re living out every man’s fantasy. Well, maybe not the “Good Burger” part.
You know shit’s about to get real when you get the look. It’s all about “the look.” There’s a difference between getting your flirt on and, “Holy shit, this guy/girl is down for a tag team.” “The look” is not subtle. It’s like an eyefuck-and-a-half. And that’s an understatement. Trust me, you’ll know it when you see it.
Men seem to be fascinated by the fact that women can talk to one another with their eyes. Well, it comes in handy for situations like these, when you end up lacing fingertips with your best friend over the same guy’s dick. That one moment of “are we doing this?” can be conveyed pretty fast without a knee-jerk reaction of shouting, “WHAT THE FUCK?!”
Once that brave soul lets on that this tag team is crossing the line of mere suggestiveness and entering into the grounds of actually happening, you’ve got to make sure everyone’s on board. It may be uncomfortable, but it avoids that awkward moment of, “Holy shit that is there, and I was just stumbling in here to nap and rally.”
The undeniable question of who goes first in the sexual endeavors you’ve decided upon needs to be determined quickly. Rock-paper-scissors, coin flip, whoever gets there first … whatever seems appropriate. For that unlucky soul who gets sloppy seconds, if you’re still down, try not to think too hard about the situation and just go with it. Or pull a Houdini and make the other one go again after you. Karma’s a bitch, yo.
This could be the greatest story two best friends have ever created together. Maybe you fist pumped before, during and after. Turns out you have synchronized “O” faces. Who knew? Maybe you shared your first “too soon” joke right after it was finished. Hah! Riddle me this: It’s parents weekend and I’m sure they’d love to meet you. Debriefing and cocktails, anyone?
Or it could be the most awkward encounter you’ve ever endured. Maybe it ruins hotdogs for you forever. Say goodbye to those afternoon Dogtown dates. Maybe you need to rethink your schedule when pass times come up.
“Damn, I was really trying to take CLIT 197 but Sally and Joey are already in it. Gotta clit playin’ around here and get my shit together.” But, hey, it saves you the shame of ever repeating the story aloud because your bestie already knows. Check out that silver lining. Damn I’m good.
Now, just to make things interesting, look to your left. And … look to your right. You’re it. Ever been to Paris, baby?
Sources close to Daily Nexus sex columnist Elizabeth Brooks say she’s actually a bit of an attention-whore in the bedroom.