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Opinion >> Satire
An Associated Students Legislative Council session could not proceed yesterday due to the fact that every member is currently in custody at Santa Barbara County Jail for various criminal activities. A.S. will not be able to reconvene until all their members are bailed out.
Reporters from The Morning Stack were given exclusive access to interview the incarcerated students. One representative, Joe Grayson, expressed his eagerness to get back to his duty as a student representative.
“I’m excited to get back to A.S. because it feels good to help make UCSB a better place,” Grayson said. “One of the first things we have to do is sort out our budget. When I get bailed out I’m gonna make that budget my bitch just like I made ‘Skinny Bones Jones’ my bitch when I first got locked up.”
On another note, A.S. members uniformly denied any wrongdoing surrounding the recent controversy over whether the A.S. members who hold dual positions cause a conflict of interest.
“This is no conflict of interest,” Josh Green said. “Let me try to explain this: Let’s say Paco packs 10 grams of heroin in his ass and smuggles it into the jail and sells it to Fat Rick, then later on he wants to get high. It ain’t his fault that he’s a buyer and a seller, he’s just doing his thang, and Fat Rick can’t be blamed just for hustlin’. This thing with the legislative council thing is the same, no conflict of interest whatsoever.”
Other members felt that their jail experience could help them become better at their job of serving UCSB students. Representative Anthony Young explained his thoughts to reporters while carving a shank out of his toothbrush.
“What A.S. does is try to make the most of our budget and use our resources wisely,” Young said. “It’s the same in jail. Take this shank for example — I didn’t have any scrap metal laying around so I used the resources I had at my disposal. The goal of this shank is to kill as many snitches as possible, and the goal of A.S. is to use our limited budget as efficiently as possible to make UCSB a great experience. It is really a quite similar dynamic.”
Representative Mike Crane added to this sentiment: “This place has inspired me. Yesterday I saw a guy choke another guy with the elastic from his underwear. I hope we can move past this silly controversy and bring that type of ingenuity to Associated Students.”
At press time none of the elected representatives had posted bail.
Daily Nexus satire columnist Matt Renner hopes the members of A.S. won’t stoop so low as to use student funds to post bail.
Note: All “Morning Stack” articles are fictional and purely for the sake of humor. They are not intended to offend or deceive any Daily Nexus readers. We hope you enjoyed today’s stack of satire!