In “Legally Blonde,” Elle Woods refers to Cosmo as “the Bible.” While Cosmo did give me step-by-step instructions on how to give my first blowie, I don’t think I’d quite put it up there next to the Lord.
If Cosmo is your sole source of sex tips, then I want you to curl up the magazine and gag yourself with it real quick — and not just for pleasure.
Don’t get me wrong: I don’t hate Cosmo. In fact, I eat that shit up. I just question its validity. So, this week, I decided to put its tips to the test. That’s right, “25 Kinky Things to Do With Your Undies,” “Frisky Foreplay Moves” … yup. All. Over. It.
God, the things I do for you, Isla Vista.
Number 6: Do the handcuff: Use your skivvies to tie his hands behind his back (one hand goes in each hole), and then go down on him.
Alright, I see you, Cosmo. Got the sexy cop thing goin’ on. Well, I don’t know what kind of underwear Cosmo had in mind, but unless it was rope, there’s a pretty good chance your panties are going to rip. One hand went left, the other went right and R.I.P green lace undies. In theory it’s a good idea, but when you’re dodging an unexpected donkey punch to the face, it’s time to rethink your technique.
Number 2: When you’re at the bar, take off your thong and slip it into his hand.
I wish that I would have practiced this before I went in for the big leagues. Do you know how hard it is to remove your underwear from your outfit, and do it in a subtle, discreet, sexy manner? Hah, let me enlighten you.
I had a good plan, too. I was just going to casually slip them off while dancing and tuck them into his hand. After gettin’ low about six times in order to inch my skivvies down to my ankles, I realized I now had to get my feet out of the situation. Thirty seconds of dancing with your underwear around your ankles is like that awkward moment when you’re jacking it with your pants down and you hear Grandma on her way up the stairs. Yeah, mortifying.
Once I successfully handed them off, the response? “Holy shit, are these yours?”
“No, I just tore them off some other girl.”
“Jesus, you’re the horniest girl I’ve ever met in my life.”
I left him looking like the happiest deer-holding-a-thong-caught-in-headlights and bee-lined home. I think these might be things you’re supposed to do with your husband once you’ve reduced sex down to like, once every leap year, or if you’re down to get unnecessarily freaky with a stranger.
Real quick side bar here. Imagine the tables turning and a guy removing his tighty-whities and handing them to you. Sexy immediately turns into sex offender. See you on the late night Sunday viewing of “To Catch a Predator.” Educational moment: double standards do go both ways.
Number 25: Wear neon underwear. It’s just plain awesome.
Easy win here. Don’t mind if I do.
Alright, onto “Frisky Foreplay.” Give your man a massage without using your hands. Once he’s totally relaxed, rub your breasts against his penis and he’ll happily rise to the occasion.
God Cosmo, it’s like you know me. I cheated a little, maybe. I did not discount fingernails here. That light stroke thing going on? #winning.
Be the Boss in Bed: Torture him playfully with your teasing.
Go channel your inner Rihanna “S&M” here. Yeah, you’re bad and perfectly good at it; sorry I’m not sorry. You can get all kinds of bat-shit crazy here, or just have a tickle fight on steroids. But personally, I should’ve done a few more bicep curls at the gym. Shit, it’s hard to pin somebody back like that and still be, you know, mobile.
I guess it all comes down to this: with Cosmo, you win some; you lose some. Now, I need to go do laundry, because, in case you didn’t notice, I lost a few pairs of undies back there.
Next week, Daily Nexus columnist Elizabeth Brooks will give step-by-step directions on how to master a footjob.