Opinion

College: It’s Like Chuck E. Cheese’s, But Without the Poop



You are about to enter another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of beer pong and handle pulls. A journey into a wondrous land of sex, drugs and dubstep. Welcome to Isla Vista.

Let me address the elephant in the room here: Yes, college is just like it is in the movies. There are tons of drunk, hot girls walking around in bathing suits, crazy parties everywhere, girls lezzing out and even fat nerdy kids getting laid by girls who totally look like Mila Kunis and living happily ever after. Just kidding about that last part; those kids actually go home and beat off to Mila Kunis.

Making that transfer from high school to college truly is a game-changer. I was 17 years old when I started college, and within the first week I went from barely making it to first base to laying the pipe like a plumber on crack. College is the sexual renaissance of every adolescent’s dreams. From that first, frustrating boner as a little kid to this morning’s wood, sexual expression is the first language we learn to speak. It’s all around us, especially in a place like I.V. There are essentially 20,000 kids squished into a square-mile playground. It’s like Chuck E. Cheese’s for college students, minus the random baby turd in the ball pool, plus the passed-out dude in the bathroom who managed to throw up everywhere except in the toilet.

There is a sexual revolution going on out there. As you are reading this, three girls just had a threesome, nine bros went to a day rager and all got laid and by the time you get to the period of this sentence, some girl on DP just got DPed by two dudes … and I can’t seem to stop watching. Don’t judge me.

Living in I.V. has been a very rewarding college experience. I can drink a fifth of Jim Beam and still be standing after playing four games of Snappa in a day. I can twist The Loop into a figure eight and do The Great American Challenge by myself because I feel like being patriotic on a Monday morning. I now know that the clitoris is like a unicorn. You have to close your eyes and believe it’s real.

It didn’t take long to understand what my first roommate said about standards: They go right out the window. Get used to throwing your beer can on the floor, pissing outside, eating sofa pizza and making out with sofa pizza. And take it from me, sex on the beach is like sandpaper on your dick and girls are just as horny as guys no matter what society says.

Gentlemen, this year is a year of reckoning. It is about experiencing everything you can. Make all the terrible decisions, party the night before your midterm, stay up all night writing a ten-pager, smoke that herb, pull that handle, sink that pong, go streaking through I.V., talk to that girl you think is super cute and put yourself out there. What’s the worst that could happen? She tells you to fuck off? Big deal, now you have 9,999 other girls to talk to.

If you’re going to come to Santa Barbara, then fucking bring it. Don’t be static. Be dynamic. You got a 4.2 G.P.A. in high school? I don’t give a shit. That’s what my BAC was last weekend.

If you do not know what DPing is, UCSB graduate Andrew Johnson will be happy to show you.

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