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Police Blotter

Isla Vista’s finest arrested a would-be prophet Saturday for public intoxication — whether the officers were converted to believers was not included in the police report.

The boys in blue found a half-naked man — unaware Rapture would begin the following weekend — bolting west at about 4 a.m. on Pasado Road, flailing his arms and screaming as if tomorrow would never come. Unfortunately, the world only ended for him that morning.

By the time officers confronted the roaming diviner, the enlightened individual had already lost his shoes, shirt and one sock. Stopping for some meaningful contemplation, the suspect halted his jaunt on the 6600 block of Pasado and was questioned by officers who observed his emotional preaching through I.V.

When questioned about his behavior, the modern-day Moses said he “saw the light” and “would do what the light says.” Officers, skeptical of his new-found faith, continued talking to the man until he divulged the secret behind his “visions” involved the consumption of LSD he took earlier that night. Curious about the born-again’s conversion, IVFP asked the pious believer how much LSD he had ingested.

Mistaking the officers for heralds of the light, the man exclaimed “You are beautiful,” in an attempt to gain favor from the divine beings. Despite the man’s attempt at flattery, IVFP remained unconvinced of the individual’s devoutness. The transcended man further sealed his divine judgment after bluntly telling the officers, “You look strange.”

Disregarding the comment, deputies asked if the man knew where he was. Seeking a chance to redeem himself, the man replied, “In the space-time continuum,” a philosophical musing reserved for the elite few given the chance to transcend our earthly realm.

The devout bard then began answering the officers’ questions through song and rhyme fitting for Sunday Mass. Officers acknowledged his efforts and arrested the man for public intoxication so he could practice his religion at the Santa Barbara County Jail, pending sobriety.


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One Response to Police Blotter

  1. Alfa

    May 20, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    A most enjoyable writing style…