So what’s thepremise of thisholiday again? A littlenaked flying cherub babyis shooting harmless peoplewith a medieval war weapon toconfuse their sense of free willin commemoration of an entirelyunrelated Greek Orthodox traditionbased on the name of some saint? Yeah,fuck it, let’s celebrate. And while we’rerejoicing in our passions and love for ourcompanions, everyone else can just grab a tubof petroleum jelly and alternate between fits ofdepression and masturbation all day. Okay, beforewe get too cynical here about doves and rose petalsand gooey chocolate, I think it’s time we turned thatlonely-heart’s frown, upside-down.In the magical kingdom of Isla Vista, Valentine’sDay is an equal opportunity holiday. We can allhave our stupid heart-shaped expression candy andeat it too. I mean honestly, those littlesweethearts are quite theconversation starter inand of themselves. It’slike a cheaper wayto booty-call textthat also tastesdelicious— “kissm e , ”“ h o tstuff,” “sof i n e . ”It’s toogood not totake advantageof in some vulgar,offensive way.The following is a two-partguide to easy and fun ways to makeValentine’s Day well, easy and fun, whether you’rehitched or flying solo. Remember, Choose Your OwnAdventure books?If you want to see how to make the person you areexclusively sleeping with smile, go to option 1.If you want to see how to take advantage of the inevitableself-consciousness and loneliness this day spurns and casuallysleep with someone, go to option 2.1) Lovers, this is a day to rejoice and revel in yourmelting heart and regular lay. It’s a day to spoil yourmate and get spoiled back with yummy kisses anddiamonds and yachts. And of course, it’s a day tomake sweet, passionate love to your beau. So yourrapidly increasing college education fees are gettingin the way of buying that special gift? Well Yudof,you can ruin our bank account statements but youcan’t keep us from our romance!The beauty of love is, when it’s real, it can bedone and enjoyed on a budget. In the midst of aneconomic recession, there’s nothing more romanticthan thoughts from the heart — seriously. Writedown how you feel and seal it with a kiss, snuggle upand watch your favorite movies all night, relive yourfirst date or your first sexual experience together, meltdown some cheap chocolate for some yum and somefun. Keep it real boys, that’s all she wants. And girls,show him what you love so much about him and whyyou find him so sexy. Oh, and lingerie wouldn’t hurt.2) Ah yes, the party-of-one crowd. Well, you maynot be getting a box of chocolates or a love poem thisyear. But hey, love is in the air, so go outside andtake a whiff. I’m not saying you should be creepyand go out on the prowl for sad loners, but thebeautiful thing about Valentine’s Day is it remindsus of how nice it is to have someone to hold, andthe person you’re holding doesn’t have to be “theone” for you to feel good.Being single is fun and you can’t let this day makeyou forget that. I’ll be taking my valentine Mr. Vibratorout on a private date between my legs, and I’m notashamed of that. Couples get one day of the year to becute and sexy and romantic, and we singles get 364 toact randomly on our horny urges. Now I’m not usuallythe biggest advocate for having a fuck buddy, but comeon people, it’s V-Day! Find someone to hate love with;it may not be romantic but it sure as hell will be hot.