If you never got the memo, Spring Break is just epic preparation for its successor, an annual phenomenon that arrives just in the nick of time: Spring Quarter. For the past three years I’ve greeted these infamously barbaric 10 weeks with ghostly skin and an amateur’s liquor tolerance. But something happened to me this year, and that thing is Spring Break. Thanks to a four-day retreat in Cabo San Lucas that warmed my heart and bronzed my skin, I am fully prepped for the upcoming season. Between the dance floor, the underwater bar and the mostly naked pool parties, sexual tension in Baja climaxed. Do you know what it’s like to be loved by everyone? Not just in an “I work in a restaurant and the Mexicano cooks appreciate my white-girl-ness” environment, but in a “Jessica Simpson in ‘The Dukes of Hazzard'” kind of way. Well, essentially, the feeling spritzes you with this ultra-attractive perfume and before you know it, you’ve tongue-kissed all seven members of the female adventurers from Santa Barbara. This sort of euphoria is what UCSB embraces in the spring. There’s something about the way the flowers bloom, the sun shines, the skunks hump and the Speedos emerge that tells us ’tis the season to be ballsy.
After falling in love (OK, lust) hourly while collecting a following of adoring fans, my friends and I made a wolf pack pact to sneak our superpower magnetism over the Mexican border. It was a muy bien idea. Since returning to Isla Vista, our lusty group has improved its alcoholic tolerance, its Cabo-themed attire and its social prowess. And the best part is that this ultra-delicious perfume is totally affordable and highly infectious. The strongly fun-scented Elation Celebration spreads from Gaucho to Gaucho faster than cold sores at a Rainbow Party and is now available at a Spring Quarter near you. The result: Floatopia-esque events and high-fives all around. Ten weeks when you’re not only free, but when you’re rewarded for blacking out for eight consecutive nights… when you’re applauded for wearing nothing but a neon bikini and a tattoo that says “Don’t assume I don’t have casual sex.” Seriously — can we collectively agree that all bets are off?
Once you stop whining over the missing hour of sleep in the morning, daylight-saving time is BRILLIANT. More hours of sunlight lead to more time for pre-dinner pitchers, which lead to more reasons why you should text the hot bod you met at the gym last week. Sun-kissed afternoons leave Gauchos xxxpecting something hotter when the sun goes down. As the nights get progressively warmer, dresses get progressively shorter and erections get progressively stiffer. Translation: Anything (and everything) goes.
Did you know that some animals shed their fur in the hot months to reduce body heat? It’s almost like they become different animals. This is the part where I use the pathetically obvious metaphor for shedding our skin and emerging as new people. For the “one-of-the-boys girls,” maybe it’s time to get a bikini wax, show off those stems and offer your tongue (while maintaining your elegant behavior, of course). For the guy who’s still moping over his on-again off-again ball and chain, take care of business and exercise your pick-up moves on someone new. Blindfolds, threesomes, anal sex — why not? Want to try sex with someone of the same sex, or (if you’re gay) with someone of the opposite? Why not? Want to make sweet love to the tunes of Boyz II Men? ¿Por qué no? Eager to have your boyfriend shoot his wad onto your back? Do it. In fact, I bet we could break the crazy record at UCSB! We’ll party at Campus Pool, we’ll do lines off naked bodies on rafts, we’ll hump strangers on DP, 100 couples will fornicate onstage at graduation and WE’LL COVER THE CAMPUS IN BODILY FLUIIIIIIDDS!!!