Jets v. Bengals

Fresh off a Dirty Sanchezing from Rex Ryan’s boys, Ochocinco and friends have a difficult task ahead of them. Defensively, the Jets are superior with dominating lines on both ends and one of the best cornerbacks in the game to shut down the receiver formerly known as Chad Johnson. Fortunately for Cincinnati, the sadness afflicting #85 over teammate Chris Henry’s passing — along with plenty of McGriddles and Big Macs — will give the prince of post-touchdown routines just enough fuel to propel his team ahead of New York’s prime time running game. Better book that date with a SoCal tanning salon a little ahead of schedule, Marky boy.

My Pick: Bengals by 7

Ravens v. Patriots

This is going to be a close one. On one end, you have a good defense, running attack and a gunslinger with a finely trimmed unibrow. On the other side, you have a team that used to dominate on all cylinders but has fallen into all-around mediocrity. But who is this squad’s quarterback? Mr. Postseason himself, Tom Terrific. Losing Wes Welker hurts, but you can’t go against a team with this much playoff experience. As long as Billy-B stays away from inanely risky fourth downs late in the game, New England can and will advance.

My Pick: Patriots by 3

Eagles v. Cowboys

The Cowboys swept the Eagles in their regular season series, including a 24-0 drubbing that I’m sure is still fresh in both teams’ memories. Dallas also has an impressive secondary that has proven they can limit former Cal standout DeSean Jackson. But what do the Cowboys always do come playoff time? On the shoulders of pretty boy Tony Romo (no homo), they choke. And come Saturday, there will be no Heimlich to bail them out. Donovan McNabb has been far from impressive as of late, but with plenty of Chunky Soup in his system, I fully expect the veteran QB to come through.

My Pick: Eagles by 8

Packers v. Cardinals

Though some critics aren’t even picking the Packers to win this game, I have good reason to believe they will go as far as the Super Bowl. Take away Big Ben’s late game heroics and the pride of the Cheeseheads would be 8-0 over the second half of the regular season. Charles Woodson is an O.G. on defense who should get consideration for NFL MVP, and Aaron Rodgers continues to prove himself as a top flight quarterback despite an atrocious offensive line. The Redbirds are so 2008-2009. This decade calls for a legion of bandwagon fans outside of Green Bay.

My Pick: Packers by 10