Thanksgiving weekend is right around the corner — and it’s sure to be stuffed. Stuffed with turkey, stuffed with pie, stuffed with kamikaze shots with Grandma and, if you have any respect for your beloved sex columnist, stuffed with kinky turkey games with your high school honey. The hookups during your first eight weeks of Fall Quarter were simply a warm-up for the sprint that is Thanksgiving weekend. After recuperating from your mashed potato-induced comatose, grab your phone and make plans to start gorging on something with fewer carbohydrates and more whipped cream.
Most of us have resigned ourselves to whiling away the holiday with our antidepressant pills — I mean family — which will probably include cooking, drinking, eating, drinking, watching football and drinking. If you’re bringing a significant other with you to your family affair, exercise caution when looking for a secret rendezvous location. You never know when Aunt Olga is going to suddenly start opening closet doors in her quest for the Patron. I would recommend a little automobile action. Simply wait until someone notices there are no limes for the Corona, or whoops, we forgot to pick up Gramps from the airport, and jump on the chance to help out. Once you’re in the car, you and your partner in crime are free to assist one another with any additional tasks that may arise. Just don’t forget the limes. Or Gramps.
One of the perks of the four-day break is just that: It’s four days. That’s plenty of time to play wholesome games with your pre-teen cousin, Facebook stalk your high school teachers with your friends and still have time leftover for leftovers with your ex. For 21-year-olds and those of you with good fake I.D.s, grabbing drinks with your childhood pal who suddenly looks damn sexy in those heeled boots is an easy way to facilitate the hookup process. Or wait until about 9:30 for your parents fall into a wine stupor, and entice your evening entertainment to come over and “catch up.” My personal favorite is the midnight jacuzzi date. If you’re lucky enough to have a working hot tub (as opposed to a large plastic box that was once filled with hot, bubbly water and is now the dog’s stepping stool to bark more ferociously at the raccoons) take advantage! Plug in the twinkle lights, set U2 on low and you’re set to go. The jets will also serve as a nice distraction if your visitor arrives late. We’re not all so fortunate, however, and so we must seek our bodies of warm water elsewhere. Luckily, hotel pools are frighteningly easy to sneak into, and are usually deserted by 10 p.m. In its slogan, Hilton very expressly encourages you to “Make Yourself at Home.” Yes sir, Mr. Hilton. Right away.
There can be a lot of pressure when you go back home after being away at school. For example, how do you juggle long-awaited break-up sex with your ex with an invitation for a smoking hot and perfectly shallow fling? Or what to do when your family is begging for more face time with their favorite child, but you’re trying to get more naked time with the hot bartender at the town bar? Decisions, decisions. The easy route would be to blow off one party or the other, but it would be flat out rude to reject Naked Hot Bartender’s offer to get to know each other better. With some careful planning and an extra bottle of lube, the energizer turkey inside you is free to gobble and gobble and gobble and gobble…
Thanksgiving is all about sharing, and we’ve got plenty to be thankful for: kissing, ribbed condoms, furry handcuffs, a sex position called “The Sea Horse,” the list goes on. So grab your hometown fuck buddy and share with them the life lessons you’ve learned at school this year. And if your leftover treat is too stale to enjoy, well, that’s what the pie’s for.