Picture it: Sunday, 3:37 a.m., dark room. Her cheetah-print bra is dangling from the lamp; his boxers are crumpled near the door. Snores from the sexiled roommate echo through the hallways.
“Well…” he’ll say. “This was fun. I’ll call you later.”
He’ll spring up and throw on his jeans, condom still dangling from his penis. Keys, check. Phone, check. Crabs, check.
“You could stay, if you want,” she’ll offer half-heartedly.
He’ll mumble something about insomnia or an early biology midterm and bolt.
Plenty of hookups follow some version of this script. Of course, it’s often the girl with the get-out-of-bed-free-card (“Oh my god, my roommate just got stung by a bee in the eye!”) leaving their grateful, albeit bewildered, sexual conquest in a state of post-coital satisfaction. We’re all so used to the quick, drunken rendezvous that the thought of spending the night at someone’s house seems far too, dare I say… intimate, that we sigh with relief upon making our escape. Get in, get off, get out.
But here I have to pause and introduce a concept so disturbing that no other sex columnist has ever dared discuss it: morning sex. If ever there was a reason to share an extra-long twin bed in the dorms or endure the rancid smell of your lover’s Naan Stop leftovers, this would be it. Morning sex is by far my favorite of all skinarios. Just ask my Halloween hookup, who I coerced into pinkie-promising me that he’d serve my eggs sunny-side up.
We all know just how awkward it can be waking up next to someone whose name you’re about 85 percent sure of, or whose collection of wolf posters is a little alarming. Don’t freak out and ask yourself, “Self, how are you going to get your Calvin Klein thong off this guy without waking him up?” Instead, assume the position — of the big spoon, that is — and initiate round two. Or three, or four, as the case may be.
There are several perks to morning sex. First of all, can we say “morning wood”? His body may be limber, but his penis is a gloriously stiff cylinder of delight. And, men, don’t be surprised if you notice some dew on your woman’s grass. Trust me — we have those morning tingles, too. As for you, ladies, last night’s makeup will have transformed into smoky eyes, and your stomach is flattest when you first wake up, so take advantage. I can’t imagine a better way to work off the calories from the bagels you’ll romantically gorge on later.
Sun too bright for your hangover’s taste? Your pillowcase is a great makeshift blindfold. Block out the light and develop your other senses. I’d advise against concentration on the olfactory sense unless morning breath turns you on. However, if you find that the unpleasant scent is about as sexy as watching Molly Shannon tongue kiss a tree in “Superstar,” there are plenty of odor avoidance maneuvers. Gum can easily be tucked into pockets, bra cups or inside a box of condoms. My girlfriends admit to a quick fling with the toothpaste, while most men prefer keeping a mint tin stocked near the bed. If you ask me, which you always should, unless your definition of a blow job differs radically from Urban Dictionary’s, a simple sip of water can do wonders.
For those of you in a relationship, don’t fret — wake ‘n’ shake is certainly not limited to the casual at heart. In fact, morning sex could be just the flavor missing from your regular grind. Ladies, if you wake up first, grab that worm and treat your man to the early bird special. If you’re lucky enough to have roommates who enjoy their Egg McStuffins elsewhere, head to the breakfast table for some waffles, heavy on the whipped cream.
Chances are that between the extra set of limbs stealing your covers and the faint smell of drool wafting through the air, you’re both going to wake up well before that nasty 8 a.m. section. Since you’re up, there is no reason not to engage in a little pre-afternoon delight before dozing off again. Think of morning sex as the mother of all snooze buttons.
So the next time your booty call looks ready to make their escape, invite them to join you for a sleepover, with the promise of an early morning nookie session. Now that’s what I call a Hot Pocket.