Well, it’s finally happened: I received a complaint letter from a parent. I think you’ll find I handled it in a mature and gentlemanly fashion. Remember to send all your complaints and questions to dearigor@gmail.com. I’m not a psychic, you know.

Dear Igor,
This summer, I had an awesome fling with a girl that went to my high school. Yeah, we hooked up a lot, but it was also fun just hanging out and talking with her. But, as summer came to a close, her friends started telling her that I was using her and that we should either be in a relationship or not be hooking up at all. We never talked about “us,” but it was clear that we were both having a good time. I don’t want to be in a relationship right now, but she’s a cool girl, so what should I do?
Thanks,
Summer Fling Drama

Dear Fling,
Who says you have to either be in a relationship or platonic friends? That’s silly talk. The most important thing is communication. Say it with me: Kum-you-nick-a-shon. So call your girl up and ask her how she feels. If she wants to be in a relationship, be a man and cut it off – never lead anyone on. But if she’s on the same page as you are, then it looks like you’ve got a fall, winter and spring fling, too. Not too shabby.

Dear Igor,
I am the father of an incoming freshman.  I write to you out of concern for my daughter. After reading your “Follow This Advice or Die” article in the Freshman Orientation issue, which was sent to my home, I became appalled with the filth you had intended my daughter to read. If students are indeed masturbating on the sixth floor of Davidson Library, you should alert librarians or school administrators, not make light of the matter in the school newspaper. At the close of your article, you urge students to write to you regarding their menstruation issues. I thought there could be nothing more inappropriate, but when I searched for your column on Google, I saw that in the past year you have written about sadomasochistic behavior, pre-marital sex, erections, elder-person sex, underage drinking and homosexual interactions. You advised a T.A. to coerce a freshman student sexually, and you wrote a column while intoxicated. I will not have my daughter exposed to this smut; I will be writing to your editor demanding your removal. And one more thing: You stay away from my daughter.
Sincerely,
Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned,
When’s the last time you got laid? Like, I’m talking sweaty, nasty, scratching, screaming sex, when you’re sore but you don’t care and it feels like there’s nothing in the world more important than this moment and this feeling and you feel like you could die and it wouldn’t matter. I’m gonna guess it’s been a while. I ask only because you seem kind of upset, and it’s probably because you’re not having enough sex.
I read somewhere that on average, people your age only have sex twice a month. Twice a month! In your case, it’s probably more like twice a year. Come on: Release your spunk monkey, unsheathe your love sword, and let your poon-rocket fly! If your wife’s not satisfying you, maybe you should try your hand at some of those “homosexual interactions,” as you call them. You may find you’re gay; keeping that secret for 40 years is enough to make anyone uptight. It’s the 21st century, you can come out now! But gay or straight, it’s time for you to reach behind you, get a good grip and remove that tree-branch from your ass.
The things I’ve written about are just some of what your daughter will run into during her time at UCSB, whether I write for the Nexus or not. So, you can try to continue sheltering her from life, or you can trust her to be the adult that she is and make her own decisions. Make the right choice.
Oh, and one more thing: Stay the fuck away from my newspaper.