THE RIMJOBS
Move over ’72 Miami Dolphins, The Rimjobs are the new measure of perfection. After blowing their way through Sunday night’s excuse for a B-League, The Rimmies are ready to physically and orally decimate any opponent come playoffs.
The Rimjobs model their offense after the run-and-gun Golden State Warriors, constantly leaking out on the fastbreak. However, their trademark is shutdown defense, having limited opponents to less than 40 points in all but one of their games.
The Men’s Center? That sounds like a front for an all-male orgy. Despite Team Derek’s ridiculous height, The Rimjobs have a way better chance at taking home the gold when it is all said and done. Taste that Dr. Feelgood.
Roster:
Senior guard Rudy Roquemore:
With a Corey Maggette-like ability to get to the line, Rudy has been the key addition to The Rimjobs this season.
Senior forward Sam Brockway:
Phenominal inside-out game aside, “Superstar” rocks the short-shorts better than John Stockton.
Junior forward Jake Miller:
With the prowess of a man-beast on the boards and a deadly three to boot, “Miller Time” is always ready to crack open a cold one.
Junior guard Joe Moses:
Boasting the wingspan of a full grown condor, “JoMo” plays the passing lanes like a wild man.
Junior guard/forward Mike Simanek:
If LeBron James was white and dropped 100 pounds of muscle, he would be almost as good as this guy.
Junior guard Augie Palomera:
With silky Js that put Ray Allen to shame, the Rimjobs’ self-proclaimed “playboy” makes it rain like there’s no tomorrow.
Junior guard Matt Connolly:
The captain Rimjobber locks down guards with pesky D and throws down timely blocking that has surprised many a broheim.
THE MEN’S CENTER
In all of recorded history, championship teams have two things in common: class and manliness. Unlike my officemate’s team the Rimjobs, whose name casts immediate doubt on their levels of both class and manliness, The Men’s Center basketball team boasts a roster that is the zenith of manhood, and our players carry our uniformed selves on the court with positively exemplary gentlemanly values. Who can compete with that?
We’ve weathered the storm of a Tuesday night division known for tough competition with nary a scratch. Do any other teams have enough skill in the coaching department to have multiple offensive schemes (with a playbook for each) like we do? We’re damn good.
Roster:
Senior guard Evan Brahce:
Has used his dirty moves and deadly three-point shooting to break fools off on courts ranging from the hardened streets of Venice to the chain-link enclosed rumble rings in his hometown of Auburn.
Senior forward Rich Calkins:
Has the smoothest jumper known to man, with an unstoppably clean turnaround fade.
Senior center Logan Frami:
Has played for numerous top colleges and slams down at least a pair of alley-oops a game. Enough said.
Senior forward Joey Makol:
Routinely grabs Jordan-esque boards and can’t be stopped from scoring around the rim.
Senior guard Eric Martin:
Quicker than anyone on the court and can get to the basket any time he chooses. His voracious defense guarantees we win the turnover battle in every game.
Senior guard Michael Wertheim:
Plays with a frightening level of ferocity. His ability to score, despite routinely finding himself triple teamed, could only be rivaled by a Tomahawk cruise missile.
Senior forward Derek Mead:
Has unlimited range and routinely throws down bone-crushing blocks.
