23 Flavors
Sun., Feb. 8, 1:55 a.m. – Officers working the red-eye were called to action when they spotted an inebriated man struggling to walk down the 800 block of Camino del Sur.

The deputies approached the young man, who was carrying a half-full Dr. Pepper bottle, and asked him how he was doing. The out-of-towner quickly put a halt to his swaying saunter and mumbled something incoherent in response.

The lack of a comprehensible reply was enough of an answer for the officers and they proceeded to ask the 19-year-old what he was drinking. This time the officers didn’t get any response, and instead the young man hung his head low and stared at the street while snot dripped down from his nose.

At one point, however, the late-night reveler attempted to look up at the officers, but the movement was too much for his alcohol-laden body and he nearly toppled over from a lack of balance.

With the prospect of constructive conversation out of the question, the officers asked to smell the contents of the bottle. Without saying a word, the young man handed it over and the deputies quickly determined that the beverage was not just Dr. Pepper but an intoxicating cousin of the good doctor.

Suspecting that the underage partier may have more than a spiked Dr. Pepper on his person, the officers asked the busted whippersnapper if they could check his pockets, which he unfortunately agreed to. A quick frisk later, the officers discovered two pill bottles filled with marijuana and another small box with additional herb and a small white pill, later identified as Xanax.

Not surprisingly, the sloppy stoner didn’t have a prescription for the pot or the Xanax and was arrested for public intoxication as well as possession of a controlled substance. He was later transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

The Witch Made Me Do It
Thurs., Feb. 5, 1:59 a.m. – Deputies rounding the Embarcadero loop early Thursday morning suddenly found themselves in a Technicolor adventure, Isla Vista style.

There, in front of the Isla Vista Medical Center, was a yellow brick road of sorts. Only instead of bricks, the path consisted of urine-stained cement. With the musk of human waste in the air, Isla Vista’s finest were off.

Following the sodden trail to its headwaters, the deputies discovered the source: an intoxicated transient asleep at the door of the medical center. Only there was no man behind the curtain; what they saw was what they got, and the officers quickly determined the river of human piss was coming from the pants of the sleeping squatter.

Since “camping” on a public sidewalk is illegal, the deputies awoke the passed-out pisser and told him to stand up. The 47-year-old did as he was told, but had to rely heavily on the support of the door to maintain his balance.

The deputies noted that his pants were soaked in his own bodily fluids, yet nonetheless searched the man – with his consent – for any drugs or weapons.

Having failed to produce any contraband, the officers arrested the trespassing transient for public intoxication and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

The University of Santa California, Barbara
Sat., Feb. 7, 12:34 a.m. – Officers braving a cold and wet Isla Vista night spotted a young male snooping around a fenced yard and decided to investigate.

The UCSB student was staggering around a fence on the 6700 block of Sabado Tarde Rd., clearly intoxicated. So unsure was his footing that he had to resort to crouching by the fence to keep from falling over.

The deputies approached the sloppy squatter and asked him if he was all right. Caught off guard, the 20-year-old turned to walk towards the officers but instead slipped and ate it.

Now on the ground, the intoxicated man assured the officers that he was fine and that he was simply waiting for a friend to arrive.

The deputy reached down and gave the fallen soldier a hand getting to his feet, and kept his arm there in case his balance gave out a second time.

The officers then proceeded to ask the standard array of questions – name, address, age – but when they got to his school, the drunken student had some problems. “U-S-C-B,” was his first attempt, quickly followed by “U-C-B-S.”

With all the evidence they needed, the deputies arrested the tipsy, tongue-tied traveler for public intoxication and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.