Bringing Down the House

Fri., Jan. 16, 11:56 p.m. – Officers patrolling the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive witnessed two young men climb through the window into an abandoned house.

Once inside the house, the two inebriated men were overtaken by drunken douchebaggery. The deputies watched as they proceeded to destroy an assortment of objects in the house by throwing them to the ground.

As the officers approached, the two troublemakers made for the backdoor and out into the backyard. While one of the males was able to get away, the second got tripped up and fell into the arms of the law.

The deputy asked the intoxicated man why he was in the abandoned house and he replied, “Physic, directed, mutant, genesis.” Confused, the officer asked a second time but the man just repeated himself, “Physic, directed, mutant, genesis.”

Having taken note of his strange answer, the officer then asked the 23-year old to recite his alphabet. “A, B, C,” he started, “E, G, H, I, H, Z.”

Feeling certain the man was too intoxicated to take care of himself, the officers arrested and transported him to the Isla Vista Foot Patrol Station. While waiting for his paperwork to be completed, the man was placed on a chair in the station’s drunk tank. However, he was too drunk to sit in a chair properly, and, after a few minutes, he fell off the chair and landed on the side of his head, which caused a few small abrasions on his ear and cheek.

The man was treated for his injuries and then taken to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Go Slugs!

Sat., Jan 17, 3:08 a.m. – An intoxicated female nearly got run over by two officers driving their patrol car on the 6600 block of Sabado Tarde Road early Saturday morning.

The 19-year old woman was stumbling down the street with her head down and apparently did not see the approaching police car. Just as the car was about to pass, the inebriated stroller staggered to the side and directly in front of the squad car.

The officers hit the brakes and backed up the vehicle to talk with the drunken UC Santa Cruz student. The deputies tried to ask the young lady about her condition but had trouble understanding her answers. It seemed to the deputy that the woman’s mouth was filled with something and he asked why. She told the officer she had “cottonmouth” and when asked why she said, “‘Cause there was so much to drink.”

While she was able to correctly recite her alphabet, the drunken out-of-towner was otherwise at a total loss. She could not understand why she was talking with the police or why they were asking so many questions.

Despite her confusion, the officers asked the woman, who weighed about 120 pounds, how much alcohol she had consumed. She replied, “Seven shots of vodka and five beers.” With ample evidence, the deputies arrested the Banana Slug for public intoxication and transported her to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she was housed, pending a good salting.