My friends and I were sitting around the kitchen table Sunday morning, doing the standard weekend postmortem, when one of the girls said something that made us all stop short.
One of my more risqué roommates has been hooking up with this guy for about two weeks and everything was going fine. Until, that is, the night before, when he had done something just perverse enough to ruin his chances forever. They were going at it, and as he climaxed, he pulled out and came in his hand. She found this peculiar, but figured it was his form of birth control and let it go. However, when he took the handful of cum and flung it into her face, she was slightly perplexed. We brought in a male consultant, and found out that she had been Spidermanned.
This unwarranted – and I assume unwanted – sexually deviant act got me thinking about the kinky and downright nasty ways people get off. There are sexual acts involving acrobatic feats, blood and feces, which make the Spiderman look tame. They’re the things most of us have never done, assume our friends have never done and hope our current hook-up partners never want to do. But somewhere, sometime, for some reason, people have partaken in these foul, sullied activities – I just can’t imagine who.
Now, I’m aware run-of-the-mill sex can get pretty routine after awhile, especially if you’re in a relationship. You’ve done it doggy-style, you’ve done it in public and you’re pretty sure you did it anal when you were blacked out that one night. It’s not super shocking when couples feel the need to do it execution style, where the dude pulls out and comes into the girl’s face, every once in awhile. The Pogo Stick is another fun-filled way to spice up your sex life, and it has the added benefit of bringing back memories of fourth grade. And if your girl has always wanted to dress up like Wonder Woman, you could even tear a page out of the Soulja Boy sex manual and “superman dat hoe.” Simply spill your love juice onto a bed sheet and stick it to your girlfriend’s back, creating a cape of sorts. I’ve even had a friend or two confide how they’ve administered a Rusty Trombone, in which the girl simultaneously gives a rimjob and a handjob, making the girl look like she’s playing her favorite woodwind while she brings the dude to new heights of pleasure.
There’s also no shame in the single among us experimenting with unique forms of masturbation – you could always microwave a melon, which I find pretty self-explanatory, or buy a vibrator that enters a few different holes.
Breaking routine is one thing, but there are certain sexual endeavors that I’m convinced are created by bored 13-year-olds who spend too much time on Urban Dictionary. I mean, there must be two dozen different terms for taking a dump on your partner, but I’ve never heard of anyone actually doing it. There’s the Pittsburgh Platter, where one person simply shits on the other’s chest. There’s the Cleveland Steamer, where the couple takes it a step further and wraps plastic wrap around the poo-covered chest. Then there’s the Glass-Bottom Boat, where one person lies underneath a glass coffee table and watches the other one take a dump from above. Anyone with a respectable college education has heard of the Dirty Sanchez, which involves drawing a mustache on your partner with, you guessed it – their own feces. Direct me to the person who is turned on by this and I’ll direct them to the nearest therapist.
Even more unbelievable is the idea that people get off from sexual adventures that are borderline violent. I mean, who invented the Angry Pirate, where the guy jizzes into the girls eye? If a dude did that to any girl I know, he would surely receive a harsh punishment and would probably never receive a Blumpkin again.
Let me leave you with one piece of advice to help avoid these sketchy scenarios: If anyone ever asks you “Who’s the Boss?” during sex, you better respond with “Tony Danza!”