So last week we did a quick run-down of the Democrats running for President. But you didn’t really think the Republicans would get off that easy, did you? The following is a cheat sheet of the GOP candidates currently seeking the White House. Tune into the next Republican debate and keep this list by your side:
Rudolph Giuliani: The former New York mayor has rather successfully downplayed his moderate social views by either being really fucking crazy on foreign policy, or pretending to be really fucking crazy on foreign policy. Giuliani’s also hired some crazy advisers such as Norman Podhoretz, who is pushing for an attack on Iran. He also hired Daniel Pipes, who believes airports should increase racial profiling of Muslims, and Palestinians should be relocated, rather than given their own state. The breakdown: If you think the Bush administration hasn’t created enough havoc in the Middle East, or you believe they’ve started an insufficient number of wars, you should probably vote for Rudy.
Mitt Romney: Out of all the candidates, Romney is probably the best looking, most charming, and… Mormon? Okay, not who you’d expect to be the Republican presidential nominee. But, with no other candidates really fitting the bill, Romney should be carefully watched. He has the most money at his disposal and currently leads polls in Iowa and New Hampshire – the two crucial early-voting states. Although he lags in the polls nationally, he’s my prediction to be the Republican nominee.
Fred Thompson: The fact that this “Law & Order” star is even running demonstrates a tangible dissatisfaction with the rest of the GOP field. Unfortunately for Fred, he can’t muster up much to be enthusiastic about, stumbling his way through a pretty miserable campaign. Republican voters are rightfully frustrated, as Thompson taught them that being an actor and a conservative doesn’t make a guy Ronald Reagan.
John McCain: Once considered the front-runner, McCain’s candidacy seems all but lost. The conservative base has long distrusted McCain, but has now almost completely abandoned him after he embraced a moderate position on immigration reform. But McCain is an old man and this is his last shot at the White House. Expect him to keep running until he loses the Iowa caucuses.
Mike Huckabee: This former pastor-turned-governor-turned-presidential candidate seems like the kind of guy who could smile, shake your hand and then pinpoint exactly which part of hell you are going to burn in. Huckabee hails from the far right, evolution-denying subsection of the Republican Party. But with a healthy dose of charisma, he also comes across as really likable. Lagging in both the polls and fundraising, consider him as currently running for vice president.
Ron Paul: This libertarian representative from Texas has grown quite a fan base – especially among the college crowd. Now, while I don’t favor Paul’s brand of isolationism, it’s nice to see at least one Republican telling the truth about Iraq. Although it’s really not a surprise half the people I know supporting the congressman are conspiracy theorists who believe 9/11 was an inside job. After all, Paul’s appetite for unmitigated, anti-government vehemence naturally appeals to individuals who believe their government actively commits terrorist attacks against its own citizens. For everyone else, well, let’s just say if you are angry the government is too big and think a bunch of programs should be cut, you are probably voting for Ron Paul. If you are angry that there is a government and think all programs should be cut, you are definitely voting for Ron Paul.
Tom Tancredo: The best word to describe him would probably be “xenophobe.” This Colorado congressman’s number one issue is immigration. It’s also his second, third and fourth top issue. He did, however, take a brief break this campaign from haranguing about our “broken borders” to declare he would bomb Mecca in response to an Islamic terrorist attack. Although Tancredo shouldn’t be blamed entirely, it’s hard to be rational about other issues when zealously obsessing over immigrants takes up your entire day.
Duncan Hunter: If Tom Tancredo would spend a little less time hating immigrants and a little more time hating gays, civil rights and the environment, then he’d be Duncan Hunter. The upside of that would be we’d only have to listen to one of them.