This story appears as part of the Daily Nexus’ 2007 April Fools’ issue.
Pushing a pro-zombie agenda, an army of the undead has apparently usurped the power of Associated Students Legislative Council – a coup that had gone unnoticed until last week.
Students and UCSB administrators were unsure about how long zombies have held the posts. They said they did not suspect anything until last Wednesday’s meeting, during which council members feasted on the brains and innards of a UCen janitor, a ritual representatives typically reserve for each other.
“To be perfectly honest, I’m surprised,” said fourth-year anthropology major Mary Jo Wright. “The droning, the vacant stares, the rotting flesh, the fear of open flame – I guess I should have caught on earlier.”
The final tip-off was a slew of zombie-centric legislation brought up last week, including a resolution asking the dining commons to serve locally grown, organic human brain and flesh.
“We’re not only supporting Santa Barbara farmers, we’re supporting the environment,” Off-Campus Rep Justin Praff said. “Are we committed to sustainable un-living?”
The council also requested vegetarian and vegan options for the human rights activist members of the council.
“We may be zombies,” said Rep-at-large Mark Flesher as he bit into a soy brain, “But we need organic fresh produce like everyone else.”
The council continued its new focus with the unanimous passage of the Resolution to Raise Awareness of Anti-Zombie Sentiment on Campus. The resolution calls for the creation of an A.S. Committee for Ethical Treatment of Zombies.
“Zombies feel welcome at so many other schools, but they don’t go here because they feel threatened by the human students of UCSB,” On-campus Rep Andrea Quells said. “And it’s not like we’re clearly even a sign of the apocalypse.”
One zombie, in between bloody tears, said she could not believe how she was treated on campus.
“Urrrghhhhhhhhh, just because I can’t always control my uuuurrrrgggh speech or my appetite and I also have hideous, rotting flesh, people look at me differently,” On-Campus Rep Jared Renmorrs said. “We need to raise awareness about the emotional effects our fellow students have on zombies when they stare and point. Groooowwwwl!Ó
One zombie council member attempted to speak on the subject, but found himself unable to form sounds beyond “zurrrgh.” However, his response seemed to prompt equally passionate declarations among council members.
Near the end of the meeting, several members contemplated expanding the zombie agenda to help improve the university’s intellectual reputation. Rep-at-Large Amelia Gross said the council plans to devote future meetings to organizing highbrow and scholarly on-campus discussions.
“BRAINS! BRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAIINNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSS!” said Gross, in an apparent attempt to clarify the council’s wishes.