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I have an exciting new invention I want to tell you all about. I guarantee it will revolutionize the way you clean and the way you drink beer. Do I have your attention? I thought so. For too long, the twin giants of the hygiene and alcohol industries have trapped us in a devious cycle, deceiving you into buying more and more of their products. They’re a wily group, and they’ve managed to grab us college students by the short and curlies. You see, every time you buy alcohol, you end up trashing a place, which means you need to buy cleaning supplies; then, when you’re finished cleaning, you’re so damn sick and tired of being your floor’s bitch that you need a beer to relax. It goes ’round and ’round, until you’re so drunk and chemically dazed you can’t tell if that 40 you just pounded had a nine at the end.
I got the idea one particularly grimy morning in our house. One of my roommates, a man notorious for his sloth, jokingly claimed to be a “cleanaholic.” Now, nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve seen quadriplegics move more in a day than he does. This guy makes Pirate look productive. Anyway, a true cleanaholic would be addicted to “cleanahol” – and cleanahol is exactly what we need: something that gets you drunk and cleans at the same time. Imagine a beer that doubled as a disinfectant – a rich, flavorful lager that goes down smooth and is tough on dirt and grime. Imagine every time you’ve accidentally splattered beer on someone else at a party – they would actually thank you. You would never have to worry about someone spilling beer again. “Dude, why are you cleaning in the middle of a crazy bash?” It would be a completely different kind of party foul; every fallen can, every dropped cup, every beer-spraying keg – each one a small contribution toward keeping the place tidy. The best feature is that if people spill beer on your Rainbows, the leather won’t get that beer funk.
The possibilities are endless. Let’s say you’re watching TV and having a beer, when you notice the screen is covered in fingerprints and dirt. Just throw your beer at the TV. In addition, leftover “floaters” after your party are finally useful. Cleaning up now means walking around knocking over every half-filled keg cup. Also, if you’re running low on fresh clothes, you can toss a six-pack in your laundry. Actually, toss five in there -have that last one as a little present to yourself. You’ve earned it for cleaning so much.
I know the very idea of cleanahol seems implausible, but I assure you that as I type this very sentence, a prototype is being developed by top scientists – by “developed,” I mean “ignored.” It may take a while to be perfected, but it is my dream that one day everyone will be able to drink beer and fart soap bubbles – as only girls do now. My attorney has advised me to mention that you should not try creating this at home. I don’t want to hear about anybody drinking OxyClean or snorting Clorox. Unless, of course, doing that gets you really high – in that case, definitely let me know.
There are going to be big changes ahead. The group that would probably be the most appreciative of cleanahol would be the guys that climb around in dumpsters looking for cans. This would be life changing to people who spend their days climbing through beer-soaked trash. States will also have to write new laws for cleaning under the influence (CUI). Imagine being caught underage with cleanahol. Minor: “I swear officer, it’s just for cleaning.” Cop: “Tell it to the judge, you punk, alcoholic neat freak!” Corporations will be quick to jump all over this brilliant idea. I can see the future: Budweiser Disinfect (Maid of Beers), Miller High Lysol, and Simple Green High Gravity. Beer commercials will still have hot girls drinking beer, but now they’ll also be cleaning – finally, a realistic beer ad.
After cleanahol, my next invention will be weed that does your homework for you – I’ll call it classabis.
David Fuad is a senior law & society and psychology major.