What were they thinking?

Stop the presses, lock your children in the basement, and hold on to the cheesy Mozzarella side of that Philly cheese sandwich. Fools are running amok in this wide world of sports again, and I’m not talking about the love affair between Bobby Knight and a folding chair.

What was Donald Little thinking?

The 6’11” junior center for the University of Cincinnati is in jail for allegedly kidnapping, beating and burning his roommate, Justin Hodge, according to a report from The Associated Press. Little led the Bearcats with 6.9 rebounds a night while starting 34 of 35 contests. He began his spell by enticing his roomie to come over to his pad on Monday. Hodge claimed Little accused him of pilfering money from him.

Here’s where this story gets good.

Little apparently smacked Hodge on the noggin with a whiskey bottle.

A whiskey bottle. The police didn’t name Jack Daniels as a witness, but he might have cracked to them by now.

Hold your horsies, kids. Little is not settling for second place in any “Mike Tyson Roommate Sweepstakes Giveaway.”

The Augusta, Georgia native continued to ravage Hodge by tying him to a lawn chair, burning him with incense, and roughing him up a bit.

That’s some quality handiwork off the hardwood for this headcase, who has been barred from the court until this mishap is brushed under the rug.

I love what Cincy Head Coach Bob Huggins has done with that program: 0-percent graduation rate for all basketball players since 1994. Gee, Huggy, you give new meaning to the word student/athlete.

Maybe too many of his student/athletes are getting stumped on those tricky upper-division philosophy courses. You know Huggy is a demanding chap.

What was Ruben Rivera thinking? Or better yet, what were the Texas Rangers thinking?

The ex-New York Yankee pilfered shortstop Derek Jeter’s glove and bat before selling it to a sports collector for about $2,500. Rivera eventually fessed up, and the Yanks cut him faster than a hot potato whistling to Don Little’s Junior Basketball Camp. I don’t know what Rivera makes, but I think he can make a down payment on that new ranch in Texas.

The Rangers signed the beleaguered outfielder to a minor league contract. Sounds like a recipe for an eclectic clubhouse. If Rivera makes it back in the bigs this season, pitcher John Rocker, outfielder Carl Everett and Rivera will give new meaning to the term “triple threat.”

That’s one of the fundamentals learned at Little’s Camp.

Donald Little and Ruben Rivera, I humbly salute you for your contributions to all of humankind.

Goodnight, sweet princes. Thank you for making my life easier.

I didn’t know what I was thinking about before you came along.